Thanks.

I am awake. She is asleep. It is quiet here. In these times I feel alive. Thank you, God, that my life is possible. Thank you I am able to live the way I do. Thank you, even though I don't understand you and continually doubt myself. In these times of quiet, I see life for what it is. No words could describe the joy I feel at the moment, although it may not sound like it. I hope I give back everything I get in life, tenfold. Yet, in these times of sheer happiness, there is a hint of sadness, of despair, of loneliness. I guess it's just who I am. One minute on top of the world, the next, in the depths of guilt, insecurity, and bitterness. I don't quite know if I mind though. I enjoy losing myself in my thoughts. When I try to sleep, my thoughts won't let me go. They drag me deeper, and deeper, and deeper, until I pass out from what I think is mental exhaustion. When I wake, I remember nothing of them. Spilling my heart is not easy. I only do so when I feel it necessary. Otherwise, I mask it with bitterness, envy, and greed. At times I hate what I am. I then realize I am only human, and it is inevitable to feel such things. As much as others think I am extreme or have an extreme personality, I strongly disagree. I am meticulous, and almost obsessively creepy. I watch, and I watch closely. What their move will be next. Will they try to hurt me? Will those in my mind who hurt me long ago ever leave? I try to let them go. Every day is closer and closer to achieving complete freedom from my insecurities. Thank God I know WHY I act and think the way I do though. I want you to know that you 3 mean absolutely everything to me. If I lose you, I will lose myself. Don't ever leave. My hands never rest. My neck carries my pain. In the morning my shoulders and neck ache because I can't relax. I need to learn. Funny how my thoughts change so rapidly. Probably because I don't care about impressing people with my blog. Fuck it. I am what I am. If people don't like it, they can shove it. I'm so sick and tired trying to be something different. Something I'm not. To all the people out there who care what people think, listen, and follow this: STOP CARING. If everyone just stopped, no one would care anymore. FUCK THE MEDIA. I just don't listen to what people say in general anymore. She is the only one who really matters. Oh... and them too! I'm so off track. As usual. I need to rid any jealousy from my heart. It kills you off slowly. I could change, yeah, you're right. But if I did, wouldn't I be just as bad and shallow as those who wanted me to? I wanna get out of this world and take them with me. I want to find Utopia. I want to find spiritual happiness in another realm. I want out of this body and into something more fitting. I want to become love itself. I bet that doesn't make sense. But in my mind, it does. I love trees. I'm gonna go climb that one now. Maybe I'll get so high up, that I turn into air and float around her. Then I'll be closer to her. Closer than anyone will ever get.

Truth

I am shit and unoriginal.

Random (Angry) Thoughts ...catchy title, catchy title...

I am one big ball of depressing emotions.  My life is not what I want it to be.  I am not what I want to be.  Fat, lazy, unaccomplished, and pathetic is not what I had planned for myself, yet I somehow achieve it every day.

You say, "then change it..."

I say, "FUCK YOU, WORLD...IT'S NOT THAT EASY!!!"

i would if i could.

Turning Over A New Leaf

... but its a maple leaf, so it confusing and difficult to turn with your toes.  Especially because I have one leg.

MY list of Favoritist Things

Jenna inspired my list and wanted me to say her name in my blog because, and I quote, "I'm a narcissist."  So here it goes:

1.  singing my heart out into a mic.

2.  Member's Only jackets

3.  the way she smiles

4.  her dimples

5.  bending a note ever-so-slightly that it sends chills down my spine

6.  laughing hysterically after a jam session

7.  history

8.  the Blues

9.  skinny jeans

10.  her outlandish sense of humor

11.  "that one face" she does ... you know, that one.

12.  conspiracies

13.  Ovaltine

To be continued ...

Desire

I want to fight in World War II ... DAMNIT!!!!!!

A Letter From An Unexpected Friend

Dear Jon,

I'm comfort.  I'm strength.  I'm friendship.  I'll help you in ANY situation.  I'll make all of it easier.  I'll make it all go away.  I'm happiness.  I'm love.  I'm here.  I'm now.  I'll never let go of you.  I'll make you feel good.  I'll make you look good.  Isn't that what you always wanted?  Face it ... I'm your life.  I'm here 'til the end.  Everywhere you turn, you'll find me.  Everyone you run to, you'll see me with them.  I'll take all of your anger and throw it away.  I'll take all of your bitterness and throw it all away.  But most of all, I'm not her.

Sincerely,

Al

Dear Al,

I don't want your comfort.  I don't want your strength.  I don't want your your friendship.  I don't want your help.  I don't want to make all of it easier.  I don't want to make it all go away.  I don't want your happiness.  I don't want your love.  I don't want here.  I don't want now.  I don't want you to hold on to me.  I don't want to feel good.  I don't want to look good.  That's not what I have always wanted.  Face it ... You're not my life.  I don't want you here 'til the end.  I don't want to find you anywhere.  I don't want to see you with anyone.  I don't want you to take all of my anger and throw it away.  I don't want you to take my bitterness and throw it away.  But what I do want most of all ... is her

Regretfully,

Jon