Voondaba! ...he exclaimed with great relish...

I get it!  Lately I have been quite pessimistic and quite irrational when it comes to my existence, my career, my family, my lifestyle, my friends, my country, and my underwear.  But I see what my problem is.

 I lack patience and I am ungrateful. 

 I get so caught up in life and the fact that I don't have what I want at the moment that it consumes my every thought.  It's to the point now where it's unhealthy.  The funny part is that I have SO much already.  I'm working towards a career, I have family, I'm still living, I have freedom in my country, and I have clean underwear! But here's the catch. It's not enough.  I try to deny that I think that, but it's true.  I want more.  That's a huge problem.  For some odd reason I'm not content.  I should be.  I know I really should be.  I feel terrible because of all this.  I have so much that people in other countries don't have.  Not only that, I have so much that people in my country don't even have.  I need to start appreciating EVERY LITTLE THING because one day, every little thing will be gone.  And so will I.

Patience is a virtue ... patience is also a bitch!  I feel terrible, but I don't have much.  Simple issues are not a problem at all.  It's the big issues that I lack patience with.  I feel that I have put a lot of time and energy and emotional hurt into my music and performance that I deserve fame now.  It's wrong, but it's how I feel.  I just want it all now.  But even if I had it all now, what would I do with it?  Where would it take me?  Would it all suddenly and abruptly end one day?

I need to learn to appreciate things.  For myself.  For my friends.  For her.  For my grandparents.  I need to learn patience because if I keep at it, I'll get it.  I just need to learn to wait and enjoy my time waiting.

Goal 1: LEARN PATIENCE

Goal 2: BE GRATEFUL

The Incredible Unhappiness That Is My Career

So, I'm wondering... Is it all for nothing? does He even care? Does He even listen? Somewhere in this mess of blues I'm making a career and heading in a direction.  But what direction?

I want to live a life of performance, but for what? For others? To empress people? To make people think I'm great?  ... Or for myself?... If it comes down to that, I mean, if it really comes down to that, I'm very selfish.  I just don't get it anymore.  It's what I'm good at, but why? Not only that, but why now?  Grrrr... education ruins dreams!!!

I love her very much.  Without her, happiness is non-existent, because that's exactly what she is ... happiness.  Shouldn't that be enough?  I hope she understands that I want her by my side until the end of time.  I hope she understands that my so-called "dreams" are nothing without her.  I hope she understands that I live because of her.

...But I guess the real question is - what do I live for?