Desire

I want to fight in World War II ... DAMNIT!!!!!!

A Letter From An Unexpected Friend

Dear Jon,

I'm comfort.  I'm strength.  I'm friendship.  I'll help you in ANY situation.  I'll make all of it easier.  I'll make it all go away.  I'm happiness.  I'm love.  I'm here.  I'm now.  I'll never let go of you.  I'll make you feel good.  I'll make you look good.  Isn't that what you always wanted?  Face it ... I'm your life.  I'm here 'til the end.  Everywhere you turn, you'll find me.  Everyone you run to, you'll see me with them.  I'll take all of your anger and throw it away.  I'll take all of your bitterness and throw it all away.  But most of all, I'm not her.

Sincerely,

Al

Dear Al,

I don't want your comfort.  I don't want your strength.  I don't want your your friendship.  I don't want your help.  I don't want to make all of it easier.  I don't want to make it all go away.  I don't want your happiness.  I don't want your love.  I don't want here.  I don't want now.  I don't want you to hold on to me.  I don't want to feel good.  I don't want to look good.  That's not what I have always wanted.  Face it ... You're not my life.  I don't want you here 'til the end.  I don't want to find you anywhere.  I don't want to see you with anyone.  I don't want you to take all of my anger and throw it away.  I don't want you to take my bitterness and throw it away.  But what I do want most of all ... is her

Regretfully,

Jon

Fine! ... I’LL stand up and say it ...

Am I a bad person?  Am I doing enough to leave my mark on the world?  Do I need to travel to Africa and save children and families from diseases to be a good Christian man who has care and concern for the lives of others?

OR

Do I live a good life here, with what I already have?  - Playing music.  Loving my family.  Treating my friends and the love of my life with respect and concern.  Doesn't that make a human being, better yet, a Christian human being a "good person" ?  Does one really need to travel halfway around the world and improve the life of those who don't make the steps to help themselves?  Is that what being a "good Christian" really is?

Let's cut to the chase here ... I, as well as any God-fearing human being, does not want to go to hell.  So one of the inner struggles of my life, If you didn't know Dear Reader, is - If I live the life I want to live, is that selfish?  Should I be doing more?  Should I be the "perfect Christian" people want, even expect, in this world?  Or do I live my dream of music and family and treat them with love and respect?

I guess I'm thinking of all this because I used to want to be the "perfect Christian."  But I figured out in this previous year of my life that the reasons for me wanting to do it, were not for the right motives.  I was just scared.  I don't want to be eternally away from God.  I DO fear evil.  I will be the first one to be bold and say - I don't want to go to hell.

Is all this pathetic?  Is this the point of religion? To be frightened of death?  To be sad your entire life because you know you're not worthy?  Then again, is it our job to BE Christ, or is it to BE LIKE Christ?  I live that confusing question every .. single ... day.  Im just tired of it.

Lord, Jesus, Christ, Father,

Am I doing enough?  Better yet ... am I doing the right thing?